【导读】此处节选的一封长信（有删节）出自英国布克奖女作家佩内洛普·菲茨杰拉德（1916—2000）的书信集《所以我想到了你：佩内洛普·菲茨杰拉德信札》（So I Have Thought of You： The Letters of Penelope Fitzgerald， 2008）。这封信是作者1987年写给大女儿蒂娜1的，彼时菲茨杰拉德70岁，蒂娜37岁。

信中，菲茨杰拉德向女儿袒露了她的恋旧与软弱，她请求蒂娜把那条半新不旧的塞拉普披巾还给她——口吻不是命令式的，而是朋友般的。读者能感受到母女间的平等、尊重与关爱。菲茨杰拉德与女儿分享并回忆了自己的生活，这个请求不仅仅是关于保留塞拉普披巾本身，更是希望能保留一段与过去的珍贵联系。

再次感谢特伦斯·杜利先生——诗人、翻译家、本书信集的编辑、佩内洛普·菲茨杰拉德的大女婿兼她的文学遗产执行人——授权刊发本书信集选段。

76 Clifton Hill2， NW 8

于伦敦克利夫顿山76号，（邮政编码）NW8

12 January [1987]

（1987年）1月12日

Dearest Tina，

我最亲爱的蒂娜：

They say it’s going on for several days， and “elderly people living on their own”， old folk， like myself， are given useful advice， which is to keep warm， and to remember that it is warmer inside than out—not quite true here， where all the pipes have stopped working and Theo3 has gone down to work （which he never does on Mondays） because there is central heating at the College of Heralds. He left his bath full of water and Desmond4 and I found it had turned to solid ice—would be bath-shaped if it was taken out， which Luke would like. And that’s the main point of this letter， to say how tremendous it was to see Lukey5 himself again， and more so， eating and bustling about and putting us all in our places. You and T6 have been so steady and patient with him all the way through and that’s made him able to come through it， because it was an illness， even if it’s never likely to come back again.

他们说这种天气要持续好几天，并且建议“独居老人”，即像我这样的老年人，务必要注意保暖，还提醒说屋里总比屋外暖和——不过，我这儿可不是这样，屋里所有的水管都冻住了。因为纹章院有中央供暖，西奥都去上班了（本来他周一是从不上班的）。他的浴缸里装满了水，我和德斯蒙德发现水已经冻成了一整块冰——要是把它取出来，大概还能保持浴缸的形状，卢克见了一定喜欢。这正是这封信的主要目的：告诉你我又看到卢基是多么开心，尤其是看到他吃吃喝喝，活蹦乱跳，还忙着“指挥”我们大家。你和T一直以来对他都坚定而有耐心，让他能度过那道难关，因为那可真是场大病，尽管可能永远不会复发。

I wish I’d finished digging up the back garden before the great cold， as the frost would have got into the earth then and broken it up， but then there are so many things I ought to have done. I’m reading Virginia W.’s diaries again， not from the genius point of view， but all her little jealousies and miseries about the reviewers and the housekeeping and Leonard’s rash， and going upstairs to tell him （where he sat solidly pipe-smoking and advising Labour Politicians） “my book is hopelessly bad， I must destroy all the proofs at once” and Leonard steadying her down and saying “you know you always say that， you know you say it every time”.

真希望我在严寒来临之前把后花园的土全部翻整了，那样霜就会渗入土壤，将其冻裂。但话说回来，我还有许多“该做却没做”的事情呢。我又在读弗吉尼亚·伍尔夫的日记，这次不是为了欣赏她的文学天赋，而是读她的小小嫉妒，读她因书评、家务和丈夫伦纳德的皮疹而产生的烦恼。她会跑上楼告诉伦纳德（他泰然坐着，边抽烟斗边为工党政治家出谋划策）：“我的书糟糕透顶，我必须立刻销毁所有校样！”伦纳德让她平静下来，并说道：“你知道你总是这么说，你知道你每次都这么说。”

The lunch party on Sunday wasn’t at all what I expected， not really a Virago one7， but it would have been wrong not to go. Tim Hilton cooked enormous quantities—mussels， which I couldn’t eat， but fortunately a little girl， a 5-year old， Lily， was also very critical of the idea of eating them and that， I hope， meant I wasn’t noticed so much—pasta with a nice sauce， which I thought was the main course， then a beautiful leg of roast lamb with roast pots. cut small and mangetouts—the baby （9 months） sat there very gravely and good as gold， reminding me a little of Paschal8—he has a cot in their bedroom and a wooden playpen in the corner of the living-room （bookshelf built all round the picture-rail， quite a good idea， but how to reach the books？ But the bookshelves were all completely full）—one of the guests， in fact the mother of shellfish-rejecting Lily， was Jemima Thompson， now living at 34 Well Walk， where I was brought up， with a nice journalist husband from Newcastle looking like Philip Larkin9， and her mother， Ursula Thompson， but I don’t know if you remember them next door at Chestnut lodge or going to stay with them near Lulworth Cove， or the little brother Toby， now a psychiatrist. I walked back with Jumima through the freezing Hampstead streets （she was going to give someone a Greek lesson， having given up her job at Time Life when Lily was born）—enough of all this， you’ll say.

周日的午餐会完全出乎我的意料，不是真正的维拉戈式午餐会，但不去总归不好。蒂姆·希尔顿做了很多菜——贻贝，我吃不下，幸好有个5岁的小女孩莉莉，也对食用贻贝十分排斥，但愿这让我不那么显眼——接着是带美味酱汁的意大利面，我以为那是主菜，但随后上来了一道美妙的烤羊腿，配切成小块的烤土豆和嫩豌豆。这个宝贝（9个月大）沉着地端坐在那里，乖巧可人，倒有点让我想起帕斯卡尔。他在卧室里有张婴儿床，客厅角落里有个木制的游戏围栏（书架一直延伸到天花板下的挂画线，主意真是不错，但该怎么拿到书呢？书架可全都摆满了）。其中一个客人，杰迈玛·汤普森，也就是贝类抵制者莉莉的妈妈，她现在住在韦尔沃克街34号，那是我小时候住的地方。与她同住的还有她做记者的丈夫，人很好，来自纽卡斯尔，长得就像菲利普·拉金；以及她的母亲厄休拉·汤普森。不知你是否记得，在栗树小屋时，他们曾住在我们隔壁，还有我们曾和他们一起去卢尔沃思湾附近游玩。你还记得那家的小弟弟托比吗，他现在已是一名精神科医生了。我和杰迈玛穿过寒冷的汉普斯特德街道回家（她要去给人上希腊语课，她在莉莉出生后辞掉了时代生活出版社的工作）——差不多得了，你或许要这么说。

Now a weather report on TV， showing those brightish clouds in the SW and very black ones in the SE， so hope it isn’t， in Lukey’s words， “terribly cold in Weston”. You always manage to make things easy wherever you go， but still， with 2 tiny children， it does mean managing. —They keep saying it’s the coldest night for 425 years—but can it be worse than those nights in Fergie’s10 time， when the tree fell， and you all had to huddle into the living-room？ Or indeed when Valpy11 was born， and all the patients crowded into my room because I had a new-born baby and so was allowed a coal fire？ At least you’re not in the shop and won’t have to discuss the matter of the cold with an endless succession of people.

......

此时电视上正播着天气预报，显示西南部晴空万里，东南部却乌云密布，但愿不会导致——用卢基的话说——“韦斯顿冷得要命。”无论去到哪里，你总能想到办法大事化小，但带着两个年幼的孩子，确实是需要想想办法的。——人们总说这是425年来最冷的一晚，但还会比弗吉生病的那些夜晚更糟吗？那时树倒了，你们全都得挤在客厅里。或者比瓦尔皮出生时冷吗？当时所有病人都挤进了我的房间，因为我刚生完孩子，被允许在病房里用煤火取暖。还好你不是在店里，不必跟没完没了的顾客谈论天气真冷的话题。

……

I’m sure you don’t realise， as one can’t， working away at it， day by day， what an immense amount you’ve done at Moorland Rd， and how well everything is beginning to look. The hall， with the coloured glass， is such a good introduction to the house， then the other colours follow.

A letter from Broccoli Clark inc.， Columbia， asking for my impressions of the Booker Prize. I think l might give them a few of my recollections， which would stop them being so painful， as surely nobody in England would be likely to read them.

......

我相信你自己并没注意到（正如当局者迷），你在摩尔兰路日复一日的操劳有多么辛苦，又让一切变得多么赏心悦目。有着彩色玻璃的门厅令人对房子印象深刻，屋内其他的色彩也相得益彰。

哥伦比亚的布罗科利·克拉克公司寄来一封信，询问我对获得布克奖的感想。我想我也许会给他们写点回忆性文字吧，这可以减少这些回忆曾带给我的痛苦，反正在英国也没人会去读那些内容。

……

Now I’m going to ask you something which I hope you won’t find mad or irritating or both， and that is， do you think that you and Terry could possibly find something else to go down on the living-room floor except the serape12？ I thought it was lost， and never expected to see it again， but since you’ve found it， and all the lovely colours （though not the right ones， I know） I should so very much like to keep it as what it really is， a bedspread， I haven’t one here in London and of course not the Bishop’s Road bedsitter13—it is the only thing I have left from Chestnut Lodge， as I wasn’t allowed the opportunity to say what I wanted to keep from the sell-up14 at Blackshore， and all the things I cared about most were sold—well， all that’s in the past， —but I carried the serape all the way from Mexico City， through New York， then Halifax and back to Liverpool on the old Franconia， and it was never meant as a rug or a carpet， any more than your own heirloom15 patchwork quilt， and if it has to be on bare boards without any under carpet I don’t think it will last long， if it’s walked over. Please don’t think me mad， or even worse， stingy， but please could you take it up， I was wondering whether the green cotton dhurries16 would do instead， they’re machine-made （the serape is hand-woven） and don’t matter a bit： but I suppose they would be the wrong colour？ Anyway I would be glad to contribute to another rug for your birthday， if I could please keep the serape， I think you can see from the way it’s wrinkling up that it isn’t really intended to go on a floor？ It never has before. —I wish now I’d kept the undercarpet from Theale， but no matter. Don’t be annoyed with me， truly I appreciate your goodness to me over so many years—it’s just a weakness of old age to want to keep a few “nice things” connected with the past and the serape as we said is 35 years old—I could never buy one like it now—and I should so much like to keep it—perhaps it isn’t a “nice thing” to anyone else， but it is to me. so much love to you all Ma.

现在我要问你件事，希望你不会觉得生气或者厌烦，甚或既生气又厌烦；我想问的是，你和特里可否找点别的东西换下你们客厅地板上的塞拉普披巾？我原以为它已经丢了，以为再也不会看到它了，但既然你找到了，并且它的颜色依然那么明丽（虽然我知道那颜色并不显得高档），我真的很想让它保持本来的用途，它本来是当床罩用的。我在伦敦没有床罩，当然在主教路这个开间里也没有——但这是我从栗树小屋唯一留下的东西。当初因为还债而在布莱克肖尔变卖财物时，我没机会挑选自己想要留下的东西，所有我最在意的东西都被卖了——好吧，那都已经是过去的事了。但这条塞拉普披巾是我从墨西哥城一路带回来的，途经纽约、哈利法克斯，最后搭乘老法兰克尼亚号回到利物浦。它本来就不是当地垫或地毯用的，就像你自己那床祖传的拼布被子一样。如果下面不衬地毯，把它铺在光秃秃的木头地板上，再让人踩来踩去，恐怕撑不了多久。请不要觉得我不可理喻，或者更糟糕，觉得我小气。但能不能请你把它收起来？我想那条绿色的印度棉毯会不会是个好的替代品？那是机器织的（而塞拉普披巾是手工织的），所以无关紧要；但绿色可能会不太搭？不管怎样，只要能让我留着这条披巾，我非常愿意在你生日时给你们添置一块新地毯。这条披巾已经开始皱巴了，你应该也能看出它根本就不适合铺在地上吧？它以前从没当过地毯。现在想想，我真后悔当初没有把锡尔的地毯衬垫留下，不过算了。请别生我的气，我真心感激你这些年来对我的好。只是人老多情，总想保留一些与过去有关的“好东西”，而我们提到的这条塞拉普披巾——已经有35年的历史了。我现在根本买不到一条一样的，我真的非常想留住它。或许在别人看来，它算不上什么“好东西”，但对我来说，它就是。爱你们所有人！妈

（译者单位：北京化工大学）

1菲茨杰拉德和丈夫育有一儿两女。  2菲茨杰拉德于1981年至1988年6月租住在此。参见Hermione Lee， Penelope Fitzgerald： A Life， Vintage， 2014， pp. 288-289&p.355.

3和菲茨杰拉德一样，是那栋房子里的租客。  4另一个租客。  5 Luke的昵称。这是蒂娜和特伦斯的第二个孩子，1983年出生。  6即（Mr.）Terence Dooley，特伦斯·杜利先生，蒂娜的丈夫。菲茨杰拉德常将二人合称为“T&T”（Tina & Terence）。

7维拉戈午餐会是指由维拉戈出版社（Virago Press）举办的庆祝或推广活动。维拉戈出版社成立于1973年，以出版女性文学著称，常聚焦女性主义主题，发掘被忽视的女性作家，并支持女性写作中的新兴声音。  8蒂娜和特伦斯的第三个孩子，1986年出生。

9（1922—1985），英国著名诗人、小说家、爵士乐评论家。  10 Fergus的昵称。这是蒂娜和特伦斯的第一个孩子，1981年出生，1982年3月因病夭折。  11菲茨杰拉德的儿子。

12塞拉普披巾，产于拉丁美洲，是一种颜色鲜艳、质地厚重的方形羊毛织布，两端缀有流苏，当地人常用作披肩，有时也兼作毛毯。

13 bedsitter既当客厅又当卧室的房间，类似于中文语境下的“开间”。  14 sell up（为破产、还债等原因而）变卖财物。  15 heirloom祖传遗物；传家宝。  16 dhurrie一种产自印度的棉毯，以轻薄耐用著称。